Survivor/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know how frustrating it is when you're working on a project and you get thirsty, but you've just finished off your favourite beverage, and you really don't want to break your concentration and go back into the house to get yourself another one? Well, here's a simple solution. All you need is an assistant in the kitchen, standing by the fridge and a pretty good length of eavestrough and a belt sander. Perfect. Now all you do is put your sander back on there, facing the other way, and you can send your empties back in for recycling. [ applause ] [ cheering and appuse ] [ inaudible ] oh, oh, oh. Sorry about that. Got a bit of an emergency in the area. There's a toxic cloud around the whole region. They've identified the source. Uh, stinky peterson set his mattress on fire. But until she dissipates now, we've all gotta stay put with our doors and windows locked. So I've evacuated the whole lodge, and I had to cancel tonight's meeting. I'm kind of trapped here for a couple of days. Can't go home. Nobody can come here. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to listen to. Cable's all paid up. She's gonna be rough, I'll tell ya. I thought I heard someone. Oh, no. What are you doing here, dalton? Well, the same thing you are. I can't go home. I can't go to work. It's hell. [ laughing ] you know, I was looking forward to having the whole lodge to myself. Yeah, well, you know, so was I. Well, you screwed that up, didn't you? Well, so did you! All right, we can work this out. Tell you what, you get half the lodge, I get the other half. See that trunk there? You get the part there on that side. I get the part over here on this side. That trunk's not in the middle! Oh, gosh. Grab an end. Holy mackerel. [ grunting ] hey! [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today, ranger gord will be playing for a yo-yo. How ironic is that? Okay, gord, close -- uh, cover your ears there. Okay, red, you have 30 seconds to get ranger gord to say this word... And go! Okay, gord, this is something you sit on, but it's not a chair. A muskrat. No, no, um -- okay, it's like a chair, but it has three legs instead of four. A really tippy chair. Okay, okay. This is something that a lot of people sit on in bars. Sailors? Okay, okay, say you've got a guy who's in the mafia, and he's been asked to testify against the godfather. He's a blank pigeon. Yeah, a carrier pigeon. Carrier pigeon? Extinct. Oh, no, no, no. Okay, gord, do you know what a specimen is? Yes, I a believe a specimen is an italian astronaut. (play on 'spaceman') [ laughter and applause ] you're almost out of time, red. I've got nothing. My wits are no match for his stupidity. Come on, red. It's a poor workman that blames the stools. I heard it in there somewhere. I heard it! Come on, mike, dinner's coming. Stop fooling around. I'm not fooling around, mr green. I'm video taping our experience. These reality shows are very popular, you know. Well, unless dalton starts running around naked, the first guy I vote off the island is the cameraman. You know, people really love this stuff. It's kind of like peeking in your neighbour's window. The last time I tried that, I got six months in the slammer. Well, I hope you learned your lesson, mike. Yeah, if I'd have done it with a camera, I'd have had a hit series. Well, I hope you're hungry. I'd have to be. What was this originally? Don't you start with me. No, no, I need to know what I'm eating. I'm sure they'll ask at the hospital. You think this is easy, huh? Trying to decide what to make, preparing it all and then getting it together at the same time? No, I think you've done real well. She's pretty much equally burned. All right, fine, fine! You don't wanna eat it, that's fine with me! I mean, why should I care? I'll tell you what. I'll eat as much as you do. I'm not even hungry. Well, you're lucky. Men! [ applause ] you know, a lot of young people are asking me about the entrepreneurial spirit. They want to know what it is. Well, it's not the kind of spirit you find in a bottle. Although, believe me, many of us have looked. No, the entrepreneurial spirit is about taking a problem and turning it into an opportunity. Now, you may have noticed that I've got a couple of flat tires on my 4x4. Actually, there's two more just like these on the other side. I'm gonna take this problem and turn it into an opportunity. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna use this vehicle to generate enough money to buy me a whole new set of tires. Sound impossible? Hey, it's on tv; it must be true. And now, through the magic of innovation and lack of alternatives, I've turned my all-wheel-drive vehicle into a four-station wood shop. Oh, yeah, now I can make products out of wood that I can sell to people and make enough money to make myself a half-decent set of retreads. And then if I want, I can continue on as a manufacturer, maybe go public with an I.P.O., make millions of dollars in profits and move on to my next investment. But I'll probably just get the tires. [ engine starting ] now we come to the next most important step of the entrepreneurial process... Deciding what to make. So I researched around, found out what local people wanted and what they could afford. I've decided to make duck calls, mainly because I know what a duck call looks like. Plus, I'd be selling mostly to men, which I think is easier. As long as something works, men will buy it. They don't care what it costs or what colour it is. Heck, even if it doesn't work, men will buy it. Take a look in your driveway. Okay, first of all I go to my cutting station. I'm gonna cut this to roughly the length that I want. All right, now what we do is we take her down to our lathe area there. We're gonna round off the corners a bit. Now, I've already mounted a piece to kind of speed up this demonstration. Okay, once I get the lathing done, I've got my basic duck call. But you know, this is a little rough for today's discerning customer, so now I've got to go to my sanding station. It's just really a piece of fine grain sandpaper mounted onto a record album as a backing. Actually, I used nat king cole on that because he's extra smooth. And then just do your little sanding. Perfect. Now to turn it into a real duck call, I've got to drill a hole into the darn thing, and for that I'm gonna use my drilling station here. Just slowly -- you know, you may want to wear safety goggles on this, maybe even some cast iron gloves. And it's just that easy. So you entrepreneurs remember if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ honking noise ] I should also mention that 99% of new businesses fail in their first year. [ honking noise ] [ geese honking ] [ applause ] you know something happens to guys' major senses when they approach middle age? They lose 'em. But they lose 'em in kind of an odd way. The other day, bernice was talking straight to my face there, and all I could hear was the radio in the next room because it was running that ad for the boat show. She was probably giving me the details of some important plan, but that's the kind of information that's better in the hands of somebody competent, somebody who has all their faculties. I'm losing mine like pocket change in a laz-e-boy. But, like I say, you lose 'em kinda weird; like, my eyes aren't good enough to read the street signs, but I can tell if the beer store is open six blocks away. I can't watch two kids for half an hour without a disaster, but I can watch four ball games and an indy race simultaneously. So, guys, look, don't fight it. It's natural. Just kind of keep a low profile. Smile a lot, don't talk much, and if you feel a draft, check your fly. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. And what do you think you're doing? Well, I'm going to bed. Not after the way you spoke to me at dinner, you're not. What are you talking about, dalton? This is my bed. You get the heck outta here. I'm not going anywhere because there is no bed on my side of the lodge. Well, go sleep in the cabin. You can hold your breath that long. Isn't that a great idea? Why don't you try it?! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dalton? Yes? What is that? [ laughter ] what is what? There's something cold in the bed. Oh, that's my tire iron. You expecting a flat? It's for protection. I don't find you that attractive, dalton. [ laughter and applause ] it's protection against burglars and arsonists. Well, there won't be any arson going on here. [ laughter and applause ] mm-hmm, yeah. Mm-hmm. Girl, you know boys are like that in their first year of college. Yeah, I know. Oh, my god, for real? I know. I know. Listen, I gotta get going. No, no, nothing important. I'm just at work. Okay? Bye. Hi, mr green. Thank you for coming in. Didn't realise I had a choice, actually. You know, I think it is so cute how you wear your, um, costumes to every one of our meetings. But really, it's not necessary. Costume? Oh, no, no, these are my lodge clothes. Right. Right. And you know, it's just great to wear them in public. It's wacky, and a fantastic way to draw attention to yourself. But what we need is for you to draw attention to yourself while you're on television. The network is looking for a little more shock value. Well, I guess I could do a little more electrical work. [ giggling ] no, that doesn't count. You need a younger demographic, you know, maybe some more swearing, more violence. More... Well, just more swearing and violence for now. I've written up some words here that are perfectly fine for you to use during your time slot. I think you should give some of them a try. Well, I say this word quite a bit during the handyman corner, but we always edit it out. Well, don't. That's exactly what we need. You know, we might even move your show to a later time slot so you could say words like, [ bleep ] or [ bleep ] or [ bleep ] wow, were you ever a merchant marine? Okay, I understand if swearing is not your thing. Okay, maybe you could just, um, punch one of the lodge members in the face once in a while. Well, I don't think the lodge members would go for that one too much. Well, you know, you just fake it. You don't really punch them. It's fine to fake things, you know? Really? It's perfectly fine. Just say whatever and do whatever, and people will believe anything you tell them. Okay, well, then I'm telling you that we are going to make all these changes for the very next show. Perfect. [ applause ] red: Well, we had a big day set out. We had four oil drums. Each guy put his name on one. Of course, you know what we're gonna do... Roll 'em down a hill with us inside, you know. That's what happens when you have socialized medicine. But we have to have a test pilot, someone to run her first. Walter seemed like the prime suspect. He'll heal faster; he's younger. He's in there. We just have to cap that up. Get that on there good and firm. It's okay now. And let's just give him a little push and get him going. Okay -- bon voyage! Uh-oh! Oh, boy! Okay, now we -- okay -- mike bring me a stick or something. We gotta just pop the lid on that. Anything on the junk pile there? Yeah, there you go. Get one of those long roller extension handle things. No, no, not the stick. All right, just pop that lid off. All right, here he comes. All right, he's good. Walter had noticed that he couldn't see where he was going. If we cut a window in her, then you could -- by leaning you could steer it and everything. So I got the torch. And I'm cutting a little window. You better get outta there, walter. And we put the rubber around each one. I didn't go for the window. I'd rather not see what's coming. Now we just get 'em rocking, and, uh, all right, here we go. There we go. Oh, man. Oh, boy. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] wahoo! Oh, boy. There's mike. Okay, he's good. There's winston, I think. Mike, winston's coming in. There we go. And here comes walter. Oh! And here's our tribute to the aboriginal peoples. [ cheering and applause ] [ barking ] playing fetch is a great way to exercise your dog and dislocate your shoulder. That popping sound is called fetch-itis. Wouldn't it be great if there was a better way? Well, there is. [ grunting ] all you need is a bucket seat, a soup ladle and a little bit of the handyman's secret weapon. You'll find this a little bit easier. [ applause ] just waiting on local animal control officer, ed frid. I guess he's running a bit behind schedule today. Sorry I'm late, red. Oh, man. You okay, ed? Not really. Did you bring the kitten like you promised? Had a little trouble with the kitten. Yeah, but you said you were gonna bring -- things got a little outta hand, okay! Are you telling me a kitten did all of this? Oh, no, no, no. There were two of 'em. One distracted me; the other jumped me from behind. Got my ear. It's been a pretty rough week. Been to the hospital a few times, have you, ed? Well, they gave me my own parking spot, yeah. Monday morning -- yeah. Mountain lion. Okay. Or it might have been a snake bite. It's a little blurry. That usually means snake bite. Okay, probably. Yep. Then on Tuesday afternoon, I banged my knee on stinky peterson's porch. He's got a bunch of skunks under there, and they're creating quite a problem. Yeah, probably the smell is bothering them. [ laughing ] no kidding. But the hole was too small for me to get a trap under there. So I tried to lure them out and into the woods by smearing bacon fat all over my body. That's when the bear got me. He mauled you, ed? No, but he gave me a pretty good licking. You know, I got things to do, ed. I can't -- no, wait. I need you to do me a favour here. Yeah, take a look at this. I sat on a porcupine. Yeah, I can see that, ed. Well, how do you think it looks? I don't really have a reference point here. Do you have a before picture or anything? You see, I'm worried about an infection, eh. I'm worried about people who just tuned in. Oh! [ applause and laughter ] [ cheering and applause ] thank you. Yep. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Sorry we couldn't let you in here earlier, but the air's finally clear, and we're free to move about the community, which means that dalton and mike can go home so the danger is over. Mr green, I think you have something that belongs to me. I do? My videotape of our last two days here. And nights. What do you mean specifically, mike? My videotape of your relationship with dalton, including the sleepovers. I'm gonna show it at the meeting tonight and use all the lodge members as a focus group for my tv pilot. Well, I think that's a great idea. Here you go, mike. Oh. What's this on the side here? Well, that's a magnet. That's a horseshoe magnet for good luck. I put that on the side for you. Oh, gee, thank you. Yeah, it's always good to have something on the side, mike. [ possum squealing ] oh, it's meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be right down. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. These last couple of days have been a real learning experience for me; the main thing being that after 34 years of marriage, I'd rather be with you on your worst day than anybody else on their best day. And around here the difference between those two is extremely marginal. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] come on, guys. To order. To order. Come on, let's go. Sit down. Sit down. There we go. Okay, all rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Dalton: Oh, sure, you say you will, but you never do. Red: All right, men and dalton, we have a special treat for you. I know it's been kind of a crisis this week, but, uh, mike here has filmed the whole thing, and he wants to show you a little tv pilot right now. Mike: Actually, mr green, I looked at the tape, and there was nothing on it. No content. Red: Sounds like a hit! Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com